Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
