did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
