My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize