The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
