Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
