If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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