Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
