you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
