I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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