im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
