I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
