I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
