why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
