I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
