Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
