im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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