Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
