Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i out mim tonsoeep
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
