Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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