A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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