We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
