No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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