You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
