my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Are my feet made of real feet?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
