can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
