you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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