if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
