Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
