my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
