I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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