i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
