sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My pussy is not your playground.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
