I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
