i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize