eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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