On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
