IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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