remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
