paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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