went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize