My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
