got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
