that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
