Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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