I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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