A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
