Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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