I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
