yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
