I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
