Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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