Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize