I can text with my tongue
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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