Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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