I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
