I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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