just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
