Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
