I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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