I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize