I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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