I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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