He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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