got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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