Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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