I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
