he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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