Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
